What Your Unhappy Daughter Needs You to See

For two years, I sat with a young woman in her early 20s who would often come to therapy with a giant scowl. For most of the session, week after week, she would start the session angrily.

She would put half-hearted energy into even saying hello to me and then proceed to tell me the very painful litany of things that still hadn’t changed for her.

She felt perpetually stuck, lonely, and miserable. The COVID pandemic had destroyed her college experience, she had to live back at home, her boyfriend was inconsistent and immature, and she felt like she had no real friends.

She was constantly beating herself up while at the same time blaming the world for her misery.

I admired her. I admired her refusal to pretend. I admired her refusal to play the game. And her smile, when she would smile, also blew me away.

Because she was someone who couldn’t pretend, her smile told the truth of just how deeply loving she was.

I tried to impress this upon her. That her smile immediately changed everything about her disposition. But it was uncomfortable for her to smile. She was so used to protecting herself with a scowl.

Smiling for her meant being open and being open meant having her vulnerable true self right at the surface. This was unfamiliar to her. There hasn’t been enough close, sensitive attention paid to the true self that was hoping to be seen, cared for, brought closer in, and reassured.

That kind of loving attention would have helped her true self feel secure enough to stay awhile….to stay closer to the surface….and to stay open to the friendships and opportunities that were available to this bright, ambitious girl.

Before our time working together came to an end, I was noticing how she was putting more practice into smiling (aka: opening; letting herself be seen; taking in more of the good things about the world).

I was sad that finances had her end therapy for a time. I knew there would be more heavy lifting ahead for her. When we feel sad and alone, unloved or like a failure, it can be really, really, really hard to lift those heavy boulders off our hearts. The heaviness of the depression tanks everything, including our joy, our smile, and our hope.

One thing to remember is that behind these scowls are sweet, sweet children who are in deep need of gentle, loving, close-up attention. Daily attention. She needs you to check in on her. She needs you to see her beyond the shield of her angry agitation and righteous blame. She needs you to see right past that, to the child hiding underneath.